I can't wait to get back to work so I can talk to someone again.  Even hearing someone yelling at me is better than nothing.  The loneliness is overwhelming.

I haven't had any contact with my husband in days.  It is hard adjusting to the fact that he is out of my life now.

Today is my 25th wedding anniversary.  This is so not what I expected this day to be like.  Instead of celebrating with friends, family, and each other, we are sitting in separate houses shedding enormous amounts of tears.  No one on the outside seems to understand why this is so hard.  I guess I understand that, they aren't in the middle of this.  But good god it hurts something fierce.

Today is my birthday.  So far, it is a series of celebrations beginning with a lazy start to the day hanging out in cover forts with the kitties.  The delicious cold air waiting for us just outside of our warm cocoon.  Marvelous.

I am so incredibly lucky.  Lucky to have a bed, lucky to share my life with so many wonderful people and animals, lucky to have lived 56 years.  They haven't all been stellar but they have made me who I am.

So thank you universe!  Thank you for giving me this stupendous opportunity!

He threatened my home.  He swore he would never do such a thing and then he did.

Afterward, he wished to apologize, (he put the word 'Sorry' in the subject field) but I wasn't amenable.  He says he is sad because he lost me.

He didn't lose me.  Losing something is a non-action forgetfulness.  This was throwing away with both hands.

I will make it.  And I will be better than ever before.

That email was just the start of the crazy train rolling out of the station yesterday.  All day long, while I worked, he sent escalating hateful emails.  The next to last one he sent read; "Fuck you you crazy whiny bitch."
The last one he sent?  Said he still wished the best for me and pleasant dreams.
Keep in mind that I was working all day yesterday and had only responded to the first one he sent.
Needless to say, I didn't respond to any of the later emails.  I think I am good here.
Phew.

Then, when I think it can't get any worse and the craziness has reached its height:

Thanks for sharing OUR communications with K&T. And oncevagain twisting things to get some sympathy. Was expected , i guess.
Heres another thing for you to wail to them about.
As much as i hate tovask this of you..you will have to maje decembers mortgage out of your inheritance. Since it seems we have real unvreconcilable differences...ill need extra money to get my own plaace. I really didnt want to ask..but now i need to. Ill send novembers...but nit december. And if i find you dont do it..i wont send anymore....at all.
I dint knowvwhat i was hoping fir by communicating w you. Maybe one last invitation to join you for christmas...maybe come back home..but its obvious you havent changed or are willing to help ME in any way.

30 years of what was supposed to be a loving, devoted marriage and this is my morning email;

then...i guess were done. its always something with you. "i cant talk yet" bullshit. but this is what ive come to expect. As alwys, its everything on your schedule. And do you really expect me to believe that the only time you were online after work was fgor the fifteen seconds it took to tell me you were "busy"?
Youre the one that chose minimal communication. I've been trying to maybe work back into something...IDK but ive been trying.
I warned you before when you kept pushing me to go to BSU that you might not like what came out of it. And here it is. I'm fucking sick of doing every and anything to please you. You have never "had my back" and still dont unless i do things your way.
Enjoy the company you spent so much time bitching about the rest of the year.
For someone who " can't lie" youre pretty fucking good at twisting and distorting things.
If you care to communicate more...call. Otherwise, I give up.


What a pleasant start to my day.